Family · Illness in the family
When the healthy sibling becomes invisible
The siblings of children with a chronic illness are often “the ones without problems”. What happens to them, and what parents can do.
In a family where one child has a chronic illness, there is almost always another child of whom people say “they're fine”. They don't ask for anything, don't make a fuss, get good marks, help out. This is the child who understood very early on that the parents had no room left for one more problem and decided, without knowing they were deciding, not to be one.
This child lives through things they cannot say. Jealousy of the attention their ill brother receives — and shame about that jealousy, because “he really is suffering”. Fear of falling ill too. Guilt at being healthy. Anger that the holiday has been cancelled again. All of this usually stays wordless, because each of these feelings seems forbidden.
What is not said shows itself in other ways. Sometimes at school, through a sudden drop in marks or through excessive good behaviour. Sometimes in the body: stomach aches, restless sleep. Sometimes only years later, in an adult who doesn't know how to ask for anything for themselves and who feels that their needs are, by definition, less important than other people's.
The parents did nothing wrong. Attention went where the emergency was, and that is how it had to be. But a few things can be done. The first is to name what is happening: “I know that since the diagnosis we've been taking care of your brother more. It isn't fair on you, even though we had no choice.” The second is to protect some time that belongs to them alone, however little. The third, and the hardest, is to let them be angry — with their brother, with you, with the illness — without the anger being immediately corrected with “but he's suffering”.
When does a psychologist help? When the “good” child has become too good. When they no longer ask for anything. When you feel you no longer know them, even though they are doing nothing wrong. A space where they can say what has no room at home is, sometimes, all they need.
If you recognise yourself in this text, you will find more on the page Type 1 diabetes →
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